I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
