i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
