So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
NoShamevember. You game?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
