Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
