I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
