I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
