Who did Billy Mays play for?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
