so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
