How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
