Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
