I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
