The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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