My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
