Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
