Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize