my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
