The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
