Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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