my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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