Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
