I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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