Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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