If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize