he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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