WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
