I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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