you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
