I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
