He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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