I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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