so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
