we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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