Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
