if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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