I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
