i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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