hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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