it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
