i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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