So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We got so high we made milksteak
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
