My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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