u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
