Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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