im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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