So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
