Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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