If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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