the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
