We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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