She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
