That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
