Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
