After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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