How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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