Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
