I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
