On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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