She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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