I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
